News Bits

by Alex Henke

Devil offended by all the politician comparisons

The Devil arose from the dreary pits of Hell, Michigan, to clear his name and distance himself from the politicians he has been compared to in the past week. Lover of Jesus, hatred and the snack aisle, Reverend Jerry Fatty Falwell apologized for comparing Hillary Clinton to his master last Sunday.  Venezuelan president and runnin’-his-mouth punk Hugo Chavez, on the other hand, refused to retract his Bush-Satan comparison, citing evidence that delicious oil is worth all the back talk.  Still, Chavez heeded the advice of Devil Spokesman Nate Dogg when he suggested that those who are talking shit better LAY LOW.

E Coli breakout worsens to 171 sickened, Africa not amused

Popeye the Sailor Man supporters worldwide became even more nervous as the number of E. coli outbreaks related to spinach numbered 171 on Sunday.  “It’s the biggest epidemic since the SARS, or the anthrax,” said concerned shitty-food-eater J. Wellington Wimpy. In non-news, studies have shown that there may be one or two disease-related deaths in a large, unknown continent south of Europe, but it’s not E. coli related, so it must not be important.

Stock option scandal fails to grip nation, Jackass 2 #1 in theaters

In business news, a multitude of big business CEOs are under investigation for giving themselves back dated stock options – essentially giving themselves risk-free stock money by lying to the public.  Distressed stockholder and moviegoer Tom Cronin expressed his outrage, saying “Oh, man!  I haven’t seen it yet, but I bet they’re going to totally shit their intestines and eat them or some gross shit, man!  It’s going to be fucking awesome!  Wait, what?”

The Forgotten Fraternity: ∆T∆

This week the Back Page takes a look at the history of our school and of the famed fifth fraternity: ∆T∆ (or Delta Tau Delta for you non-classics major independents out there). What was this mysterious fraternity about? Why did they become disbanded? Do you call measured quantities of meth an eighth? Well read on and find out!

The Mission of the Charter 

We the men of the Whitman Chapter of Delata Tau Delta believe in and base our lives and brotherhood on the following four fundamental principles:

The Principle of Courage- Without courage a man is not a man. The courage to stand for what you believe in. The courage to stay strong in times of trauma. The courage to start a meth lab in your basement. This is what courage means to us Deltas.

The Principle of Awesomeness- Awesomeness is something to strive for. Generic awesomeness is a necessity for Deltas because people who are not awesome suck balls. And brotherhood doesn’t suck balls.

The Principle of Hella Tight- Hella tight is an abstract concept, but one we as Deltas strive for. It is an undefinable quality, but we believe everyone of our brothers should be hella tight in order to face the world.

The Principle of Inertia- Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, and objects at rest tend to stay at rest unless an outside force acts upon them.

Why were they disbanded?

Exactly.  Why were they disbanded? Was it because of a meth lab? Or is that just an awful rumor? We at the back page have done some detective work and have compiled a list of possible reasons this brotherhood was dissolved:

– They performed sober at Choral Contest one year and the Intra-Fraternity council refused to acknowledge them.

– No freshman wanted to join a greek system that was jokingly referred to as a “fat-ernity.”

– Their “Schindler’s List” themed all campus party was not a huge seller.

– One of their pledges died during their initiation ritual game of Magic the Gathering. He got a paper cut by a third edition Craw Wurm and bled to death because his pledge brothers were worried he was only doing it to steal their mana when they were calling 911.

– Tuberculosis.

– Meth was passé. Heroin was the new big thing.

News Bits

by Alex Henke

Bruised and dismayed Republican senators ‘reluctantly agree’ to implement Bush torture bill
Shortly after leading Republican senators who support a slightly anti-torture bill met with the president in his newly created ‘special interrogation’ room, each senator returned to Capitol Hill bloodied and in ‘reluctant support’ of Bush’s staunch pro-torture bill.  “As a Vietnam P.O.W., I can say that I’ve been through a lot of things a person should not have to go through,” said Senator McCain (R-AZ), formerly a leader in the opposition to the Bush torture plan.  “But damn, at least those damn Viet Cong didn’t do a number on my genitals with electric prongs, hot tar and pictures of Barbara Bush bending over naked.  I had to tap out after a good five minutes, which is more than I can say of my wishy-washy colleagues.”  The senators did relent, however, that the ‘documentary’ of Michael Moore bathing in chocolate pudding mix combined with five seconds of a Jack Thompson speech would be enough to make any possible terrorist do or say anything.
Microsoft Zune’s success based on people’s desire to share music, experience blue screens of death
In business news, Microsoft plans to be the 54th Ipod Killer by launching its new Zune media player.  Its features include wireless music sharing complete with RIAA lawsuits and a touch of that Microsoft feel with fully implemented blue screens of death.  While Apple is predicted to remain the dominant force in the portable music market, Microsoft is predicted to make large gains in the “Oh god damn fucking fuck shit FUCK, my hard drive with all my legally e-purchased music crashed and it’s not backed up, and the cheapest solution is just to buy all the songs back I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET MY COMPUTER BE RIDIN’ DIRTY FUCKING FUCK SHIT ASS SHIT” market.

A few words of advice from your Back Page Editors

by Stephen Carter & Dru Johnston

Hi First-Years. College can be tough. We should know.  We’re both fat.  So in order to help you through this tough transition, we’ve compiled a list of some helpful tips that we wish we were given.

Sincerely,
Dru and Stephen
-Do you own a guitar? Play your guitar at every opportunity!  Nobody finds you annoying!

-Having trouble deciding which fraternity to rush? We’ve compiled some lesser known pre-requisites for each of them:

Phis- You must have your own X-Box Live Headset.

Betas-   You must understand the irony of popping your collar.

TKEs- You cannot be able to produce a working definition of the word “irony.”

Sigs- No Prerequisites.

-Did you make a mistake and hook up with someone regrettable? Well that’s a little insulting but we had a good time.

-Are things not working out between yourself and your roommate? Maybe a little pep in your sex life is just what the doctor ordered. Try incorporating massage and oils into your lovemaking. If that doesn’t work, your RA has been trained by Reslife in the art of the menage a trois. But make sure to pour out your alcohol!

-Do you like food service? Keep in mind that Stephen and Dru would love to eat at food service and that you will never use all of your meals.

-Need someone to talk to? Send complaints to backpage@whitman.edu.

News Bits

by Alex Henke

Pro-wealth Christians evangelize in Beirut, terror level rises
A new wave of Americans have reaffirmed their equal love of God and Benzes by taking  “evangelivacations” to Beirut, Lebanon and convincing the local population that God wants all Christians to be rich.  “Sure, my immortal soul is, like, really important,” said Born Again Rich Valley Girl Cher Horowitz, “but, like, so is the fact that I have to remain fashionable.  I mean, like, look at these ugly houses.  God, like, wants them to know that flaming rubble is so out of style.”  In other news, the terror alert increased from “red” to “Oh, fuck.”

Microsoft creates new high school entirely out of euphemisms
In education news, Microsoft’s recruitment and marketing programs expanded into the world of high school education when it created a high-tech high school in a working-class Philadelphia neighborhood entirely out of paradigm shifts, thinking outside the box, and $63 million.  Noted PTA member and guitarist Roger Waters described the vocabulary-altering phenomenon: “Everything’s changed.  Teachers are called ‘educators,’ students are called ‘learners,’ and, all in all, you’re just another ‘constructive piece’ in the … wall … of learning.”

Pope bashes Canada for gay marriage and abortion, Americans ask what a “Canada” is
Shortly after the Pope criticized Canada’s liberal policies towards same-sex marriage and abortion, Americans asked what, exactly, was a Canada.  “Now, I’m always one for an intelligent discussion,” stated Detroit native David Jones, “but before I agree or disagree with his Holiness, what’s a Canada, and why should I care?”  A Canada responded to A merica’s ignorance by annexing A laska and forcing it to vote in A socialist policy.

Democrats criticize ABC for airing conservative bullshit instead of liberal bullshit
The evil corporate hegemony Disney is being attacked and praised by an array of even-more-evil-and-hegemonic-than-a-corporate-hegemony politicians and pundits for refusing to cut its 9/11 miniseries on ABC.  Noted opiate connoisseur and general fatty mcfatterson Rush Limbaugh lauded the show for its shots at the liberal side, saying, “I’m glad Clinton’s sexcapades finally get the media attention they deserve, because he’s a bad man with his constant sex with many girls … I’m so lonely.  My only friend is Mr. Mallomar.”  On the other side of the fence, former motha fuckin’ P.I.M.P. Bill Clinton criticized the series for the fact that its falsehoods were directed against liberals.  Clinton commented, “All right, major news media.  You had your fun with the whole Monica thing, but that was legit.  You’re only supposed to make up bullshit about the Republicans.”

Address from the President

by George Bridges

Dear First Years et al,

First off, I just wanna say: TWO-WESSSSSSSTTTTT!!!
By now all you Two-Westers have probably figured out that you’re in that section for a reason. All your application essays pointed to one undeniable fact. You are all insanely badass. Seriously D-Section, how do you sleep at night? Two-West and the Prez agree, you stink.

On another note, you returning students may not know that there is a change in Jewett’s fourth floor. Due to an excessive amount of RAs they have added another section. In addition to Four-East and Four-West there is a new section called Far-West. This makes the former Four-West the middle east. We support a free and democratic Four-West. If elections are not held in forty days, you will be bombed.

On a lighter note, there have been some serious changes here at Whitman. Let me highlight some of the major ones:

– You may remember the office hours which were advertised by my administrative assistant, JoAnn Collins. These hours have been cancelled. But I am keeping the cookies. For me and my Two-West boyz.

– A lot of people think that the new fitness center will make the campus fitter. But we know you’re just going to the gym to watch the Food Network on the treadmill. Keep chasing that chocolate cake. Fatty.

– ASWC has officially been disbanded. In its place is a big pile of money in the basement of Reid Campus Center with a sign that says: “Take what you need!!!”

– Because the new health center is in the old Japanese Interest House all of your health and wellness needs will be solved with a traditional kimono, samurai short sort and the insistence that you perform Hari-Kari.

– You may notice the lack of Pat Keef around campus. Well we are pleased to inform you that we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Timothy Kaufman-Osborn will be taking his place. We look forward to his hilarious misadventures and his untimely death.

– As always, stay out of the forbidden forest and avoid the whomping shitberry tree.

– If you have any idea who “RAB” is write to me at president@whitman.edu. God! I can’t wait for book seven.

That’s it. Enjoy the year. -GB