News Bits

by Alex Henke

Bruised and dismayed Republican senators ‘reluctantly agree’ to implement Bush torture bill
Shortly after leading Republican senators who support a slightly anti-torture bill met with the president in his newly created ‘special interrogation’ room, each senator returned to Capitol Hill bloodied and in ‘reluctant support’ of Bush’s staunch pro-torture bill.  “As a Vietnam P.O.W., I can say that I’ve been through a lot of things a person should not have to go through,” said Senator McCain (R-AZ), formerly a leader in the opposition to the Bush torture plan.  “But damn, at least those damn Viet Cong didn’t do a number on my genitals with electric prongs, hot tar and pictures of Barbara Bush bending over naked.  I had to tap out after a good five minutes, which is more than I can say of my wishy-washy colleagues.”  The senators did relent, however, that the ‘documentary’ of Michael Moore bathing in chocolate pudding mix combined with five seconds of a Jack Thompson speech would be enough to make any possible terrorist do or say anything.
Microsoft Zune’s success based on people’s desire to share music, experience blue screens of death
In business news, Microsoft plans to be the 54th Ipod Killer by launching its new Zune media player.  Its features include wireless music sharing complete with RIAA lawsuits and a touch of that Microsoft feel with fully implemented blue screens of death.  While Apple is predicted to remain the dominant force in the portable music market, Microsoft is predicted to make large gains in the “Oh god damn fucking fuck shit FUCK, my hard drive with all my legally e-purchased music crashed and it’s not backed up, and the cheapest solution is just to buy all the songs back I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET MY COMPUTER BE RIDIN’ DIRTY FUCKING FUCK SHIT ASS SHIT” market.

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