News Bits

by Alex Henke

Devil offended by all the politician comparisons

The Devil arose from the dreary pits of Hell, Michigan, to clear his name and distance himself from the politicians he has been compared to in the past week. Lover of Jesus, hatred and the snack aisle, Reverend Jerry Fatty Falwell apologized for comparing Hillary Clinton to his master last Sunday.  Venezuelan president and runnin’-his-mouth punk Hugo Chavez, on the other hand, refused to retract his Bush-Satan comparison, citing evidence that delicious oil is worth all the back talk.  Still, Chavez heeded the advice of Devil Spokesman Nate Dogg when he suggested that those who are talking shit better LAY LOW.

E Coli breakout worsens to 171 sickened, Africa not amused

Popeye the Sailor Man supporters worldwide became even more nervous as the number of E. coli outbreaks related to spinach numbered 171 on Sunday.  “It’s the biggest epidemic since the SARS, or the anthrax,” said concerned shitty-food-eater J. Wellington Wimpy. In non-news, studies have shown that there may be one or two disease-related deaths in a large, unknown continent south of Europe, but it’s not E. coli related, so it must not be important.

Stock option scandal fails to grip nation, Jackass 2 #1 in theaters

In business news, a multitude of big business CEOs are under investigation for giving themselves back dated stock options – essentially giving themselves risk-free stock money by lying to the public.  Distressed stockholder and moviegoer Tom Cronin expressed his outrage, saying “Oh, man!  I haven’t seen it yet, but I bet they’re going to totally shit their intestines and eat them or some gross shit, man!  It’s going to be fucking awesome!  Wait, what?”

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