by George Bridges
Dear First Years et al,
First off, I just wanna say: TWO-WESSSSSSSTTTTT!!!
By now all you Two-Westers have probably figured out that you’re in that section for a reason. All your application essays pointed to one undeniable fact. You are all insanely badass. Seriously D-Section, how do you sleep at night? Two-West and the Prez agree, you stink.
On another note, you returning students may not know that there is a change in Jewett’s fourth floor. Due to an excessive amount of RAs they have added another section. In addition to Four-East and Four-West there is a new section called Far-West. This makes the former Four-West the middle east. We support a free and democratic Four-West. If elections are not held in forty days, you will be bombed.
On a lighter note, there have been some serious changes here at Whitman. Let me highlight some of the major ones:
– You may remember the office hours which were advertised by my administrative assistant, JoAnn Collins. These hours have been cancelled. But I am keeping the cookies. For me and my Two-West boyz.
– A lot of people think that the new fitness center will make the campus fitter. But we know you’re just going to the gym to watch the Food Network on the treadmill. Keep chasing that chocolate cake. Fatty.
– ASWC has officially been disbanded. In its place is a big pile of money in the basement of Reid Campus Center with a sign that says: “Take what you need!!!”
– Because the new health center is in the old Japanese Interest House all of your health and wellness needs will be solved with a traditional kimono, samurai short sort and the insistence that you perform Hari-Kari.
– You may notice the lack of Pat Keef around campus. Well we are pleased to inform you that we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Timothy Kaufman-Osborn will be taking his place. We look forward to his hilarious misadventures and his untimely death.
– As always, stay out of the forbidden forest and avoid the whomping shitberry tree.
– If you have any idea who “RAB” is write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. God! I can’t wait for book seven.
That’s it. Enjoy the year. -GB