Category Archives: Humor

You know what this campus needs? Another Co-Op.

Seriously Whitman College, we’ve been doing some thinking here at the Back Page and we’ve come up with a solution for most, nay, all of the problems here at Whitman College. Remember the co-op? Well apparently it exists now, but they’ve been having some problems. For example, nobody knows about it. Also they do not have a small mini-mart but rather a food ordering service that will get you the organic food promptly after two to seven weeks. Well, we’ve come up with the perfect solution to help ensure our $30,000 is not put to waste.

Let’s make another one.

Seriously, we can ensure the success of our co-op if we can ensure a robust and thriving economy. Nothing can guarantee success like pure unadulterated capitalism. Take that, hippies. Two co-ops would force each other to compete for the best prices, most attention and most environmental friendliness. Capitalism Reigns Supreme. And finally in 10 years when one of them collapses under the weight of its own corruption, we will finally have a thriving and working co-op that will get you your food in two to five weeks.

Because we’re such geniuses, we’ve decided what else this campus needs, and we will now present them to you in a clean, orderly and condescending tone. Prepare to be awed.

We need another literary magazine
Between the Pioneer, blue moon, and the brand new quarterlife, we simply just do not have enough venues for your poetry, Whitman College. This upsets us because we love your poetry. Like, a lot.. We think we’ll need at least three more magazines. Production should immediately begin on the magazines: Fuck Yeah, Poetry!; forging in the smithy and ASWC Presents Guster, also Poetry.

We need more wheelchair accesible doors
We were walking into Olin the other day and did some serious thinking. You know, if we were in a wheelchair we totally couldn’t have gotten in the door (unless we were faking it, then we could quickly do it with no one looking). But seriously, we have all this money to spend on gyms, couldn’t some of it be spent to make sure our friends in wheelchairs have the same accesibilty we do? Think about it. Also, we love wheelchair doors, they make us feel like we’re on the Starship Enterprise.

We need new Back Page Editors
Seriously, we published a picture of a cell phone twice on this page, and not only that, it was the exact same picture. Also, we gave a shout out to ourselves in this issue, that comic thing in the top right was a reference to a former issue we wrote. When did we become such dicks? Probably when we claimed we were geniuses earlier in this page. Our hubris is getting so large that we will collapse under our own weight in a pool of blood and tragedy. We will bury our brother Creon, stop bugging us.

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News Bits

by Alex Henke
WHITMAN COLLEGE PIONEER

Bong Hits 4 Jesus case goes to higher court, ‘war on drugs’ leaders compare Arab holy figure promoting illegal activity to terrorist
Famous shithead Kenneth Starr is taking up the prosecutor’s side of an ongoing court battle surrounding a Juneau, Alaska high school student’s suspension for holding up a ‘Bong Hits 4 Jesus’ banner during an Olympic torch relay. “This is the perfect example of how the war on drugs links to the war on terror,” said Starr while picking corn bits out of his scalp. “The thought of our children doing illegal drugs for a bearded A-rab holy man is deplorable. As a real American, I want a clean-shaven American to tell our children’s parents give their kids prescription amphetamines and opiates.” Fellow ‘warriors on drugs’ on the local school board nodded in agreement and then nodded off to OxyContin land.

Birth control linked to lower teenage pregnancy rates, Kansas poses alternate theory of “Intelligent Smiting”
Shortly after birth control was inexplicably linked to decreasing teenage pregnancy rates, a Kansas school board proposed a different theory. “We believe that this study only goes to show that the Lord smites the lustful sinners with a decreased sperm count,” said prominent Christian and deceased anti-Semite Martin Luther, speaking for the entire board unanimously. “Also, it’s a Jewish conspiracy. Let us destroy their houses and synagogues and seize their valuables.”

Jay Leno, Rita Rudner sue over joke-thieving books, defense argues no humor was stolen
Jay Leno, Rita Rudner and a host of other hilarious comedians are suing an author and her publisher for stealing their jokes in the author’s book. “Great jokes such as ‘All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals’ were stolen from my repertoire,” said Rudner, “that night I was booed off stage during amateur hour at Yuk Yuks.” The defense’s case rests on the idea that mere words were copied, not phrases of any humorous value. “We were hoping that this case would be ‘laughed’ out of court. Get it?” said the publisher’s special representative, Neil Hamburger. “…Get it? You know, because the case involves jokes, which are usually meant to be laughed at. Damn, I’m good.” In other news, David Duke declined to comment on his pending lawsuit against Michael Richards.

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News Bits

by Alex Henke
WHITMAN COLLEGE PIONEER

Castro found alive, walking—resurrection technology to be barred from US soil
The presumed-dead and formerly presumed-not Communist Cuban dictator Fidel Castro released a video earlier this week showing him walking and reading a newspaper. Experts who declared his death earlier this month now expect the recently resurrected corpse of Castro to bar any sharing of this newfound death-to-life technology with the US due to trade embargos. “Shit, you mean I could die from Cuban cigars and then come back?” said oh-so-lonely President Bush. “Maybe if I live forever, people will like me in the future. Oh, hell . …” Then, the executive said, “Let there be no embargo,” and there was no embargo. In other news, amen.

Michael J. Fox goes to Iowa to promote stem cell research, Iowa lures celebrity into state to promote Iowa
In celebrity news, Michael J. Fox is campaigning for embryonic stem cell research in the otherwise unremarkable state of Iowa. Iowans are reportedly glad that their state will be garnering national attention for the time being, as 75 percent of their tourism income relies on a celebrity visiting and/or flying over the state most known for being the “face” in the chef-like shape in the middle of the U.S. map. Radio pundit and, yes, fatty fat Rush Limbaugh reportedly stooped to previously-reached lows by suggesting that Fox’s wavering on camera was an act and not his Parkinson’s Disease. After being corrected, Rush went on to apologize by calling Fox a Democratic shill who exploits his disease. After being told to sit in the corner and be a good little fat-boy, Rush Limbaugh escaped his holders. He is presumed to be on an opiate/food binge. Gasoline station food marts and Mallomar manufacturers should be on the lookout for a crying, pathetic shell of a man.

Florida physicist disproves Dracula using math, America increasingly skeptical of Florida Ph.D. requirements
During last Tuesday’s ghostly fun, a professor at the University of Central Florida disproved the existence of ghosts, zombies, and Dracula using math and physics. “I did this in order to increase the skepticism to the obviously nonexistent,” said Professor and self-proclaimed genius Costas Efthimiou. “That, and I need to publish something, but it can’t be something too hard or my head will hurt.” Professor Efthimiou’s efforts are starting to bear fruit. “I have become more skeptical to the obviously nonexistent,” said a randomly surveyed American person, Bob Randomperson. “… Ph.D. requirements in Florida. Shit, they’re giving away doctorates like hymens at a frat party. I bet I could become the head of the English department at UCF because I know what hymen means. Fuck it; I’m quitting my job as randomly surveyed and/or interviewed person.” In other news, the Pioneer needs you for a super-special, super secret job! Apply at backpage@whitman.edu.

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Not so (post)secret

A few years ago Whitman College was ranked high in the catagory of “Happiest Students.’ Year after year, our ranking continued to slip and we always wondered why. Thanks to the postsecret exhibition in Stevens Gallery, we now know. Man, Whitman College, you’ve got angst. I mean, I know we all got problems, but damn. Well, we want to help you. But we can’t help you if we don’t know you. So, we thought we’d use this week’s issue to break down this whole anonymity thing. We’ve got our hands on some unused postsecret submissions and we’ve decided to publish them with names. Also, we thought we’d throw ours up here for good measure. Enjoy! And seriously … just take a deep breath.

George Bridges, President

Ron Urban, Registrar

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dru Johnston, Back Page Editor

 

 

 

George, Fictional Character and friend of Lenny

 

Stephen Carter, Back Page Editor

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Happy Halloween!

Be Scary. Be Safe.

Jack o’ Lantern
“My insides are burning… and it’s not because of the candle, it’s because of the syphilis.”

Black Cat
“I don’t hiss to be bad luck. I hiss because my genitalia hurts so much.”

Phantom of the Opera
“I still have phantom pains from my one night with my angel of music… she was dirty.”

Werewolf
“Hi! My name is Jared Wilson and I’m a victim of the STI wereism due to unprotected sex with a werewolf. Since then I’ve dedicated my life to informing everyone of the dangers of unsafe sex, because I’m not the only one with an STI. So remember that if you’re going out this halloween, be safe. Here are a few words from my friends to help you understand the gravity of the situation.”

Spider
“I’ve lost the ability to spin a web because of the chlamydia side effects.”

Tombstone
“It’s hard to rest in peace when you know a condom could have prevented the gonnorhea.”

Jason (of Halloween fame)
“I wear this mask to hide my cold sores. Also I have anal warts.”

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News Bits

by Alex Henke

ACLU lecture deemed too conservative for friendly Whitman turnout
Nadine Strossen, the president of the ACLU, is predicted to deal with a string of heckles and boos during her guest lecture due to her authoritarian standpoint relative to the Whitman average. Due to the sacred unspoken ASWC liberal bylaws hidden in one of the library’s copies of the Mininecronomicon (Cthulhu For Kids), no Pioneer article may express further details of an event or politician of such conservative bias. In other news, fnord.

New Red product lines help fight AIDS in Africa, consumers predicted to reject ugly color
Market research predicts that the new Red product lines which help fund AIDS medicine in Africa will fall flat due to its ugly color. “I’d totally love to help the poor starving people or something,” said preteen shopping princess Ebenezer Scrooge, “but that red Nano is so lame. And the ‘I’m a dirty slut’ t-shirt only comes in pink.” The risen corpse of Senator Joe McCarthy (R-No sense of decency) also had suspicions surrounding the color of the AIDS-fighting products, stating, “There’s a reason they’re using red iPods for this scheme—the corporations involved are all Communist, plotting to take down our glorious capitalist society!” McCarthy was unavailable for further comment, citing a need to feed on human flesh within the next 48 hours to avoid starvation.

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FAMILY WEEKEND PAGE or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Pay the College $40,000 a Year

Whitman’s departments: an examination for the parents

Editors Note: We all know Whitman is a wonderful place. However, this weekend you are going to be spoonfed a lot bullshit. Excuse us, bullpoop. We here at the Back Page have compiled a list of lesser known facts about the departments and majors at the college that the administration doesn’t want you to know. Just call us Deep Throat.

-Biochemistry, Biophysics, and Molecular Biology: This major does not actually exist. If your child tells you that he/she is a BBMB major it is only because he/she is worried you won’t continue to pay for his/her Theatre degree.

-Classics: The Classics department has gotten lax about its definition of what is considered “classic.” The department now focuses on Greek texts, Latin texts, and the inaugural season of Saturday Night Live starring John Belushi. Classic.

-English: We’re all so impressed you’re studying your first language.

-German: Congratulate any German majors you see. They just annexed the Polish department.

-History: Congratulate any History majors you see. They just analyzed how the German department annexed the Polish department.

-Philosophy: Congratulate any Philosophy majors you see and give them a few dollars. They are going to be poor.

-Politics: Classes include “How to tap phonelines,” “How to seduce underage pages with Instant Messenger” and “Resignation Techniques.”

-Psychology: Every male psychology major graduates with an Oedipal Complex. Thanksgiving will probably be awkward.

-Religion: With the incredibly large amount of religions out there it’s hard to have unified opinions. There is only one thing that pretty much all Religion majors can agree on: Tom Cruise is crazy.

-Rhetoric and Film Studies: If you’re wondering why these two areas are combined into one department, the faculty will be happy to give you a beautiful, impassioned argument. Then they’ll make you watch Blade Runner.

-Spanish: TACOS!

-Theatre: This major does not actually exist. If your child tells you that he/she is a Theatre major it is only because he/she is a BBMB major and are worried you won’t respect his/her lack of creativity.

Events Calender

Friday

12- 4 p.m.— Arrival. Make sure to sign in and get your tickets to T-Sports, Arsenic and Old Lace and a weekend of lies.

11 p.m.—Beta function. Theme- CEOs and office hos. Parents not invited.

Saturday

12-1 p.m.—Lunch. Find out where your $40,000 goes… sandwiches.

3-5 p.m.—Professor lectures! Come hear the lectures your student sleeps through!

9-11 p.m.—Speakeasy at Cordiner Hall. Performers include Sirens of Swank, Schwa, the Testostertones and Moby.

Sunday

11 a.m.-1 p.m.—Take your kid out to breakfast and nurse his/her hangover

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