Seriously Whitman College, we’ve been doing some thinking here at the Back Page and we’ve come up with a solution for most, nay, all of the problems here at Whitman College. Remember the co-op? Well apparently it exists now, but they’ve been having some problems. For example, nobody knows about it. Also they do not have a small mini-mart but rather a food ordering service that will get you the organic food promptly after two to seven weeks. Well, we’ve come up with the perfect solution to help ensure our $30,000 is not put to waste.
Let’s make another one.
Seriously, we can ensure the success of our co-op if we can ensure a robust and thriving economy. Nothing can guarantee success like pure unadulterated capitalism. Take that, hippies. Two co-ops would force each other to compete for the best prices, most attention and most environmental friendliness. Capitalism Reigns Supreme. And finally in 10 years when one of them collapses under the weight of its own corruption, we will finally have a thriving and working co-op that will get you your food in two to five weeks.
Because we’re such geniuses, we’ve decided what else this campus needs, and we will now present them to you in a clean, orderly and condescending tone. Prepare to be awed.
We need another literary magazine
Between the Pioneer, blue moon, and the brand new quarterlife, we simply just do not have enough venues for your poetry, Whitman College. This upsets us because we love your poetry. Like, a lot.. We think we’ll need at least three more magazines. Production should immediately begin on the magazines: Fuck Yeah, Poetry!; forging in the smithy and ASWC Presents Guster, also Poetry.
We need more wheelchair accesible doors
We were walking into Olin the other day and did some serious thinking. You know, if we were in a wheelchair we totally couldn’t have gotten in the door (unless we were faking it, then we could quickly do it with no one looking). But seriously, we have all this money to spend on gyms, couldn’t some of it be spent to make sure our friends in wheelchairs have the same accesibilty we do? Think about it. Also, we love wheelchair doors, they make us feel like we’re on the Starship Enterprise.
We need new Back Page Editors
Seriously, we published a picture of a cell phone twice on this page, and not only that, it was the exact same picture. Also, we gave a shout out to ourselves in this issue, that comic thing in the top right was a reference to a former issue we wrote. When did we become such dicks? Probably when we claimed we were geniuses earlier in this page. Our hubris is getting so large that we will collapse under our own weight in a pool of blood and tragedy. We will bury our brother Creon, stop bugging us.