News Bits

by Alex Henke

Castro found alive, walking—resurrection technology to be barred from US soil
The presumed-dead and formerly presumed-not Communist Cuban dictator Fidel Castro released a video earlier this week showing him walking and reading a newspaper. Experts who declared his death earlier this month now expect the recently resurrected corpse of Castro to bar any sharing of this newfound death-to-life technology with the US due to trade embargos. “Shit, you mean I could die from Cuban cigars and then come back?” said oh-so-lonely President Bush. “Maybe if I live forever, people will like me in the future. Oh, hell . …” Then, the executive said, “Let there be no embargo,” and there was no embargo. In other news, amen.

Michael J. Fox goes to Iowa to promote stem cell research, Iowa lures celebrity into state to promote Iowa
In celebrity news, Michael J. Fox is campaigning for embryonic stem cell research in the otherwise unremarkable state of Iowa. Iowans are reportedly glad that their state will be garnering national attention for the time being, as 75 percent of their tourism income relies on a celebrity visiting and/or flying over the state most known for being the “face” in the chef-like shape in the middle of the U.S. map. Radio pundit and, yes, fatty fat Rush Limbaugh reportedly stooped to previously-reached lows by suggesting that Fox’s wavering on camera was an act and not his Parkinson’s Disease. After being corrected, Rush went on to apologize by calling Fox a Democratic shill who exploits his disease. After being told to sit in the corner and be a good little fat-boy, Rush Limbaugh escaped his holders. He is presumed to be on an opiate/food binge. Gasoline station food marts and Mallomar manufacturers should be on the lookout for a crying, pathetic shell of a man.

Florida physicist disproves Dracula using math, America increasingly skeptical of Florida Ph.D. requirements
During last Tuesday’s ghostly fun, a professor at the University of Central Florida disproved the existence of ghosts, zombies, and Dracula using math and physics. “I did this in order to increase the skepticism to the obviously nonexistent,” said Professor and self-proclaimed genius Costas Efthimiou. “That, and I need to publish something, but it can’t be something too hard or my head will hurt.” Professor Efthimiou’s efforts are starting to bear fruit. “I have become more skeptical to the obviously nonexistent,” said a randomly surveyed American person, Bob Randomperson. “… Ph.D. requirements in Florida. Shit, they’re giving away doctorates like hymens at a frat party. I bet I could become the head of the English department at UCF because I know what hymen means. Fuck it; I’m quitting my job as randomly surveyed and/or interviewed person.” In other news, the Pioneer needs you for a super-special, super secret job! Apply at


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