by Carl Brodersen
It’s likely that at some point last week you spotted furtive-looking Whitman students running from building to building like scared bunnies, getting tackled near a door by someone who proceeds to mime eating their intestines.
For almost 10 days, 212 Whitman students participated in the first ever Human vs. Zombies all-campus game. Originally planned as a community-building event for North Hall, the game was expanded to include the whole campus with the help of David Jones, founder of the Whitties.net website which kept track of human kills and time remaining.
Academic buildings, the library, bedrooms and bathrooms were, for unfortunate logistical reasons, off-limits for killing. When in a vulnerable location, humans could defend themselves with Nerf weapons and balled-up socks, which would incapacitate a zombie for 15 minutes. The zombies had only force of numbers and an inherent steely-eyed bloodlust to rely on. If all the humans were consumed, the zombies would win. But if just one human could survive until all the zombies had succumbed to starvation, then humanity would triumph. This is exactly what happened this Saturday.
That afternoon, Curt Bowen and Carl Brodersen, the last surviving human beings on the planet, emerged fragrant and unshaven after marathon stays in their weekend strongholds. Moments earlier, at 3:35 p.m., the last surviving zombie, Michael McKenzie, unable to find human blood for nourishment and not permitted by the rules to cannibalize his fellow undead (he undoubtedly thought of it), succumbed to starvation 48 hours after his last kill, the zombie threat dying with him.
When asked by the Pio about what allowed them to prevail, the survivors attributed their success to three factors: stunning good-looks, a policy of non-confrontation and the help and support of their friends who made sure they were well-supplied with Cheese-its.
Asked how they hoped to repopulate the world, the pair looked a bit morose. “At one point we were thinking of sacrificing Carl to ensure a human victory,” they said, “In the end we decided not to and it worked out anyway.” If only one had survived, though, that would have solved the problem of who now has to get the sex change and the extra-strength In Vitro. “Now we have to flip a coin.”