News Bits

by Alex Henke

ACLU lecture deemed too conservative for friendly Whitman turnout
Nadine Strossen, the president of the ACLU, is predicted to deal with a string of heckles and boos during her guest lecture due to her authoritarian standpoint relative to the Whitman average. Due to the sacred unspoken ASWC liberal bylaws hidden in one of the library’s copies of the Mininecronomicon (Cthulhu For Kids), no Pioneer article may express further details of an event or politician of such conservative bias. In other news, fnord.

New Red product lines help fight AIDS in Africa, consumers predicted to reject ugly color
Market research predicts that the new Red product lines which help fund AIDS medicine in Africa will fall flat due to its ugly color. “I’d totally love to help the poor starving people or something,” said preteen shopping princess Ebenezer Scrooge, “but that red Nano is so lame. And the ‘I’m a dirty slut’ t-shirt only comes in pink.” The risen corpse of Senator Joe McCarthy (R-No sense of decency) also had suspicions surrounding the color of the AIDS-fighting products, stating, “There’s a reason they’re using red iPods for this scheme—the corporations involved are all Communist, plotting to take down our glorious capitalist society!” McCarthy was unavailable for further comment, citing a need to feed on human flesh within the next 48 hours to avoid starvation.


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