Whitman’s departments: an examination for the parents
Editors Note: We all know Whitman is a wonderful place. However, this weekend you are going to be spoonfed a lot bullshit. Excuse us, bullpoop. We here at the Back Page have compiled a list of lesser known facts about the departments and majors at the college that the administration doesn’t want you to know. Just call us Deep Throat.
-Biochemistry, Biophysics, and Molecular Biology: This major does not actually exist. If your child tells you that he/she is a BBMB major it is only because he/she is worried you won’t continue to pay for his/her Theatre degree.
-Classics: The Classics department has gotten lax about its definition of what is considered “classic.” The department now focuses on Greek texts, Latin texts, and the inaugural season of Saturday Night Live starring John Belushi. Classic.
-English: We’re all so impressed you’re studying your first language.
-German: Congratulate any German majors you see. They just annexed the Polish department.
-History: Congratulate any History majors you see. They just analyzed how the German department annexed the Polish department.
-Philosophy: Congratulate any Philosophy majors you see and give them a few dollars. They are going to be poor.
-Politics: Classes include “How to tap phonelines,” “How to seduce underage pages with Instant Messenger” and “Resignation Techniques.”
-Psychology: Every male psychology major graduates with an Oedipal Complex. Thanksgiving will probably be awkward.
-Religion: With the incredibly large amount of religions out there it’s hard to have unified opinions. There is only one thing that pretty much all Religion majors can agree on: Tom Cruise is crazy.
-Rhetoric and Film Studies: If you’re wondering why these two areas are combined into one department, the faculty will be happy to give you a beautiful, impassioned argument. Then they’ll make you watch Blade Runner.
-Theatre: This major does not actually exist. If your child tells you that he/she is a Theatre major it is only because he/she is a BBMB major and are worried you won’t respect his/her lack of creativity.
12- 4 p.m.— Arrival. Make sure to sign in and get your tickets to T-Sports, Arsenic and Old Lace and a weekend of lies.
11 p.m.—Beta function. Theme- CEOs and office hos. Parents not invited.
12-1 p.m.—Lunch. Find out where your $40,000 goes… sandwiches.
3-5 p.m.—Professor lectures! Come hear the lectures your student sleeps through!
9-11 p.m.—Speakeasy at Cordiner Hall. Performers include Sirens of Swank, Schwa, the Testostertones and Moby.
11 a.m.-1 p.m.—Take your kid out to breakfast and nurse his/her hangover