News Bits

by Alex Henke

Supreme Court says ‘no’ to sex toys hearing, ‘Thomas has talked enough about them’
The Supreme Court refused to hear a case involving the Texas ban of the promotion of sex toys in the shape of sexual organs on Monday, stating that they’d heard enough about sex toys from Justice Thomas.  “Fuck sex toys,” said foot-in-mouth specialist and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.  “Clarence won’t shut the fuck up about them already.  He keeps blabbing on about them, and Mark Foley, and various unsuspecting people…”  Justice Thomas responded to the no hearing decision, stating “Shit, I don’t gots no bitches in Texas anyway.  They’re a bit too much, so to speak—when
I cop a feel I can’t tell if it’s the goods or the rolls.”

Bobby Brown defends child support delinquency, claims most of USA also wants to cut and run
Wanted criminal and idiot-celebrity-I’m-too-lazy-to-ignore Bobby Brown defended his absence of child support payments by citing a growing portion of the nation’s criticism to the Iraq war.  “I mean, shit, it’s totally the same,” said Mr. Brown while lightly batting his nose.  “I made a dumb ass decision, and America made a dumb ass decision.  I want to cut and run, and, according to the President, so does America.  By calling me a criminal, you’re calling America a criminal.  And as far as I know, only Hugo Chavez has that right.”  Mr. Brown, also enduring a highly public divorce with Whitney Houston, also stated that it’s not right, but it’s okay.  He’s going to make it anyway.

Harry Potter #1 book on America’s ban list, #2 is Child Pornography Book
J.K. Rowling surpassed the rest of the controversial competition and became the #1 book on America’s ban list.  While meager free speech provisions in an obscure American law document protect Rowling’s work for the time being, many other books that have gathered less attention may still be at risk.  Child Pornography Book, a picture book ‘for both children and adults,’ was predicted to hold its position at #1 on the ban list until it actually was banned, with Assassinate Bush Terrorist Bomb Airplane Jihad and The Art of Rectal Prolapse predicted to round out the top 3.  Rowling’s popular tales of sorcery
and schoolwork, however, were decidedly less popular than the other books combined.  A ban is predicted to follow the event that the entire nation becomes the state of Idaho.


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